Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Night Tremors

Drowning in a relentless sea of late night infomercials. A barrage of junk aimed at improving the “value of life.” The next great innovation. The best of intentions, namely: the systematic elimination of inconvenience. A dollar and a dream, oh, and 6 very easy monthly installments of $39.95... if you're not completely satisfied send it back, shipping is free, and keep that set of steak knives... a gift, a token of our insincere generosity.

An old man with kind eyes touts the virtues of owning an electric scooter. He promises a better life. He promises increased mobility. Most importantly, he promises the self-given gift of independence. Dependent independence. Independence at what cost? Que flashing images of the smiling elderly scooting around the park. Or at the grocery store. Or alongside a grandchild first learning to ride a bike sans training wheels. Always smiling. So confident and secure and... alive.

Or it could be the anti-oxidants, B12 vitamins, and Viagra.

The elderly, the poor, the overweight... all easy targets. All sitting on social security checks, unemployment checks, class action lawsuit checks, insurance checks... so many nest eggs, so little time. All they ask is 30 minutes of your precious life. Here's the dotted line, sign.

And yes, operators are always standing by.

21 comments:

emeralda said...

from the original need originated so much want.



i feel you on this. good bye america....

MrRyanO said...

Hermes, if you act now we will throw in this handy 3-in-1 Home Mechanics set. It's a hammer, no wait, it's a screw driver, no wait, it's a torque wrench, no wait, it's all three!

Adams Avenue said...

Dependent Independence. Independence at what cost?

You know, you're right, I could use another set of repulsively durable tupperware. But I can't buy the tupperware and not buy the ultimate non-stick wok you're advertising too. I need something to make all the food that will ultimately become the leftovers I'd keep in the repulsively durable tupperware. . . . That I'll never eat . . .

Wait . . my soul? Oh ok. . that's part of the month payments? Sure. Do you take credit cards?

Rae Ann said...

Do people actually buy that stuff?

extraspecialbitter said...

our website
could save you thousands --
page not found

-G.D. said...

Void where prohibited and subject to all laws.

-jkg said...

so wait, can i really keep the steak knives, even if i dont want the rest of it? sign me up!

RuKsaK said...

Have you read Death on the Installment Plan by Celine - you remind me heartily of that soul-shattering read with this post.

LMB said...

They did shoot the cows in that manner, Hermes. Try working with the constant scream of cows and buzz saws filling your head whilst blood and gore squirted in your face.

Welp, off to McDonalds! Ta!

Valerene said...

despite all the crap on american channels, i still love comedy central. and also the freedom of press that you enjoy.

WordWhiz said...

And if you act now, you can take advantage of this SPECIAL offer. But it's only available for the next 20 minutes, so pick up that phone and CALL!!!!

Mad Munkey said...

But wait, there's more...

-G.D. said...

I hate it when you are gone this long.

LMB said...

I like the one with the Viet Nam guy screaming about how easy it is to become a millionaire while calling average Americans "Stooooped!"

darkmuze said...

I like how this post rhymes nicely..a metaphor of the enticing facade of nice sounding infocommercials?

Scribe Called Steff said...

And this is why I have no credit card.

I bought a set of knives on the TV once. I can't remember which of the shitty commercials it was, but I do remember the high I was on. What is it about highs and lacking judgment?

The steak knives still work. I sharpen the chef's knife often, but I love sharpening a knife. Readying for the kill.

And gee... noticed my link is gone. That's not even a backhanded compliment, is it? Tsk.

Cunting Linguist.

The Last Ditch.

Rae Ann said...

I hope you're okay.

Unknown said...

hermes, i dont know about this... my grandparents have the playboy channel - i asked them what the heck that was all about and my granpa said: What! the cable guy offered to wire it in for us free!

---they also have this funky japanese drama comming in from somewhere... damit- i always have to watch it when i'm there-

(but than again, my grandparents are a very special case)

RuKsaK said...

Smack some fucking keys you fuckstain - please.

Hermes said...

Piranha. And God Bless.

Rockdog. Convienence, times three!

Colonialave. My tupperware always winds up in the bottom of my cupboard gathering dust and housing roaches.

Rae-Ann. I did. A few times.

Vex. Aptly, hell is being brought to US in a handbasket. Are you forgetting this is the 21st century? Just a phone call a way my friend.

Extraspecial. A cramped garage,
5 phone lines and a dog. They fly by night.

No_Puzzy. Great film. Very dark.

jkg. Just tell em Hermes sent ya.

Jay. Didn't your mother ever tell you tv will rot your brain?

Ruksak. As you wish. Key's have been smacked... alsong with my bitch. Wait, I'm the bitch.

Desolation. Or the abrasive guy in the question mark suit? Or Tony Little the fat-ass meathead with a mullet? Or if I see another Pro-active ad with Vanessa Williams I think I'll commit murder.

Valerene. Freedom? Perhaps tv is a device meant to keep us complascent... and stifle idependent thought?

G.D. Still breathing hun. Thanks.

Wordwhiz. It's always for a limited time even though the infomercial is on nightly, huh?

Darkmuse. An infomercial brought me to tears once. Sometimes they are works of art unto themselves.

Steff. Links Schminks, that doesn't mean shit. I WAS in the process of revamping this blog.

Rae-Ann. Thanks for the sentiment.

Ale. Did you say Japanese? Are you referring to that show, "Iron Chef?" I fucking love that program. The original japanese version mind you.

Unknown said...

ha-ha no, its not the iron chef- its about this girl that's always crying--

but yeah, i like the japanese version of the iron chef too- hillarious translations