“ Have you ever reached that point in your life when you’d swear you’re dying?”
He pauses - crackling silence on the other end, like an old black and white movie. “Dying?”
“ I mean these dreams I keep having. Every one of them… it’s the same thing… I’ve died and I am a ghost…. Or I die and I wake up resurrected and it’s a younger me from 6 years ago… and it’s so sad and so heartbreaking because I haven't even met my wife and my son hasn't been born, and probably never will be... I'm so sad because it's as though they've both died... erased from existence. And I know I could never recreate the life I had led… it could never be the same. I have this dream, it’s a recurring dream, and every time I wake up racked with chills and convulsive sobs.”
“ So you think you’re dying because of this?”
“ My health is fading fast. I get dizzy all the time. My mind won't stay focused on one thing. I just… I know I’m dying. And it keeps raining, it's always raining. Why won't it stop?”
" I don't know what to say. I can only advise you try and stay strong."
Memories crumble and fade and drift away into the night sky like a trillion fireflies. Deep rumbling breakdown of rolling storm clouds outside and the world is so wet and gray. Burning arm bathed in gangrene sepia tones and the crackling creak of countless roach feet scuttling in between the walls and inside numb toes. Can't differentiate between this happy life I made and the one I barely escaped.
5 comments:
Had a dream once. Was down at the court house checking in and trying to pay the fee, except I couldn't find my checkbook. Being the somewaht law abiding citizen that I am, started to panic until I realized 'Hey, what are they going to do to me if I can't pay? Refuse me?'
I was there to remand myself and comply with the ordered death penalty ...
...to die to really be dead. That would be the tasteyest fix...
From The Bastard of Istanbul by Elif Shafak:
That was the one thing about the rain that likened it to sorrow: You did your best to remain untouched, safe and dry, but if and when you failed, there came a point in which you started seeing the problem less in terms of drops than as an incessant gush, and thereby you decide you might as well get drenched,
Dying in dreams, eh? It's like one of those better if you know someone's dead things. I grapple with the fact that I'm dying - because at least on some level I am - almost daily. It's a torture we all endure - it's what makes life not quite so worth living and dying only just - at the end - worthwhile.
there you go Hermes - you've got me thinking with this one. Just one question - is this the Hermes I used to know? You seem different since your return.
to me this is hermes who went through catallus although this is just one very personal conspiracy theory i had. lol. gosh Hermes, WHEN DID YOU COME BACK???? good to have you back. You're the one who got me trying to write better way back in 2004 or 2005 on this other blog i had. what was the name...i forgot....
wait, my name was piranha...that i remember...the dark side of the moon or something like that.
anyways, hermes, you fucker!
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