Black Box

There are things you should know
The distance between us seems to grow
But you're holding on strong
And oh, how hard it is to let go
Oh, so hard to let go

I am losing control. My resolve is cracking like a block of ice left under the noonday sun in slow creaks and groans. The pain is becoming insufferable. Old habits return in battalions and I cannot keep up.

I have picked up smoking again.

The other night I burned through a bag of blow with a girl-friend of mine in an all night lose-yourself-in-someone-else drug/sex binge. And I did not enjoy it one bit but I needed it to soothe the pain just a little bit.

I think about you daily although I swore to myself I wouldn’t. I am still angry at you although I am falling into the same patterns you did. I would take you back in an instant although I shouldn’t.

I’m losing my faith in you.
But you don’t want it to be true.
But there’s nothing you can do.
There’s nothing you can do.
Yes, I’ve lost my faith in you.

I swore I would remain strong. I would be the strong one for our son. I would be the responsible one. But it turns out I'm not.

I visit you in rehab and encourage you every time and we celebrate each month of your sobriety and I wear a false smile. I am continuously sick to my stomach though because here on the other side, out here in the real world, I am fucking losing it. So many lies. So many lies.

You mistakenly think we will be getting back together when you leave, for some strange reason, and I haven’t had the balls to tell you it’s too late. I have fucked. I am getting high now. I have done horrible things out of anger and spite and because I was lost.

But then again, we were no longer together... and you were in jail. And you threw away our life.

Funny, I thought about the needle last night.

I want to let go of the wheel now and have someone else drive because I am tired and regretfully, because I am weak. I am desperately trying to figure out a way to shake this but my resolve deteriorates and falls to my feet chunk by chunk like discarded armor. Perhaps this is a phase and this shit will pass, perhaps not. Regardless, it is starting to frighten me.

Right here in this heart.
I know it’s too late for us.