Dawn

My head is finally starting to straighten out. Driving home yesterday I had an epiphany, a quiet personal victory, a moment where I didn’t think about the present but instead, looked forward to the future. The pain was gone. I was fully numb. I have moved on and there is no more “us.” I am no longer responsible for you, nor do I care what you do or where you go. I am Atlas and I have set down this preposterous burden I have bourn for countless years.

And I am smiling.

I was unsure if this “high” would last but it has. I woke up this morning with a clear head.

Yesterday, when you were over at your moms, out on bail and a day before you checked in for rehab, I had the opportunity to finally speak to you, your mom asked me if I wanted to, and it was very easy for me to tell her “no, I'm not really interested.” I do not need to speak to you or hear your "explanation." Because, and this is the truth, I really don’t care anymore about the details of what transpired.

The fact is these things happened - and it’s my “get out of jail” card.

I knew it would take something drastic for us both to finally have the guts to do what was right, and that is to go our separate ways. Our marriage sucked. We were together for him and only him. Let me rephrase that, I was there for him, you were there because I enabled you to do what it is you did. I was one of many "enablers."

We were together because it was convenient and I was just too damn lazy to break things off sooner. In addition, when all this finally went down I was devastated not because I had lost you, but because I wasn’t able to end things on my terms and it is this stubborn, macho pride that I think affected me the most.

Now a new world lies ahead of me. Unlike break-ups of the past, I do not dwell on you. I do not obsess over you because our relationship was always more of a friendship then a romance or a love affair. You were not my soul mate. And I think you have a pretty clear idea who was... and I probably wasn’t yours either.

You know, one thing that keeps things in perspective for me is this: while I was moving out, boxing my things, I came across our wedding photos down in Vegas. I looked at my face in the pictures and remembered the doubt, fear…. no not fear, but sheer terror, I was experiencing that week. I always thought I'd be with someone different. I always knew in my heart marrying you was the wrong move. It was the expected move because Presley was on his way. And it was my “duty” to marry you so I could oversee Presley's birth and his rearing.

So, I have moved on. The grieving is over. The sense of betrayal and anger has been replaced with a numb hope you may eventually get through your rehab and shake your demons, as I have, and one day become a good mom to our son, because he really does adore you. He will come and see you provided this visitation is supervised and you are continuing to be tested daily. I realize you will always be a part of his life and I will try to make the best of it. I hope he is your motivation to shake this disease you have.

But I will forever be cautious and untrusting of you.

When we speak it will be polite, to-the-point conversation about him and his well being and nothing more. I do not want to hear excuses, or apologies, or anything else from you because I don’t care anymore.

I truly do not give a flying fuck.

You go do your own thing, I already am.